There is a certain charm about all these students bicycling in the snow. Outside the library the bikes was parked in 1 meter of snow! And why do they bother? It is very much heavier than walking or the bus!
But then I think of the obvious ‘fuck you world!!’ that comes with it. To just hop on your bike and leave for school, just because you can, or just because you always do. The snow be damned! Like every morning there is a little bit a struggle in a way that we can handle. Studying involves a lot of sitting on your arse anyway, so what’s a little bit of snow?
I have been out of work for a while. First I tried to sleep as much as possible, the days where so long. Then I started working out. In the end I got depressed and sad, and played silly games on my phone all the time. The feeling of being utterly alone and meaningless is crushing to me. Routines is very important in this situation. When you work, free time is relaxing and fun! If you have a job to go to later. You might think that you can just relax when you don’t have a job too, but it’s really the other way around. Your head is constantly fighting heavy emotions, and on top of it you do not have any money. At all. Not even for food. This life is a real pain. Nothing in our world full of safety and luxury comes up to it. I am lucky. I do not starve. I have people that loves me and helps me. And I have a job now. I am lucky. Very lucky. I got help with the money. I learned how to deal with the emotions.
It’s human to always try to find ways not have a hard time, not to struggle. Watch good movies instead of bad. Eat good food instead of bad. Take a hot shower instead of cold. That’s because life is full of shit anyways. Until the day comes when nothing happens. Workless, meaningless, worthless. Lonely. Being out of a job means a lot of time to do what you want! But what you wanted stops shining, even the bad things stops. Life is flat. So I had to find ways to make bumps. Like biking in the deep snow. That’s hard. That’s tiresome. That kind of shit makes you angry! But it’s nice when it’s over. Then I could be happy. If only just for a while.
It wasn’t anything criminal, don’t worry. It was a picture a friend of mine showed me from his youth. The picture was taken just after he and a friend had been running in the snow naked. They where very happy smiling and covering their most intimate parts with their hands. It looked very cold.
My friend was only eight years younger. Not that much. But I could still see that he was young. Above all, he was thinner. Like a stick actually. And I said; SO SMALL!
And that’s it really. That is my story.
BUT it turns out, the feeling was a little awkward. Only a little, I did not really care. Until I came home, I had some time to think. At home I asked what felt out of sorts? I got the answer; he was thinking that I commented on his private parts.
I did not even see his private parts. They where behind his hands!! HOW could I comment on that??
This part about the human race. I do not understand. We seem to think ourselves past every obvious fact because it feels right. 1: I did obviously not see private parts in that picture. 2: The guy was thinner. So what am I commenting on? Guys? Really? That he was young. Of course. Nothing else was smaller in that picture compared to today.
I do not say that we should feel less. Or that we feel wrong. But it is still important to know the difference between fact and feeling. And YES facts takes some work. Feeling do not take that much work. It is just to open your mouth and tell everyone what you feel. But what if that affects people? Very much? That is a question every grown up needs to think about before opening your mouth according to me. That awkward feeling came from my friend that was so focused on his nakedness, that he heard what he did not want to hear.
People, we need to start thinking deep. Not only what ME, I feel at the moment. What will the consequences be? Will someone get hurt? Will the country and the world benefit from this from ten years on in the future? What am I really telling people with this?
People, you are smarter than this! Let me be clear. I come from a war family. My own grandpa fought 1940. We do not wish to see that again. I will give an arm and a leg for that not to happen again.
With love from Scandinavia.
I visited Ratan today. I turns out that this place was very important. Historically all trade in this area had to go by Ratan, taxes and Russian invasion and all that. But the thing is, I did not know. And I am left with the same question as I’m often left with: why does people in this country not know about their own history? I have lived in three cities in Sweden, and they do not know. Repeatedly I end up thinking; Sweden is a long country. Not that wide. But it should be about the same in the south as in the north? No. Big difference. Norway, Sweden and Finland are side by side, but the people are connected east west. Ratan is the knowledge of the north. Mining problems is a collective knowledge in the north of the tree countries. The south of the same countries have no idea. I could be angry about this.
It’s all history really. Alongside Sapmi names, it’s not strange to find Norwegian, Swedish and Finnish names in all the tree countries in the north. Both places and peoples names. Up north we have been mixed all along. Dividing the land with national borders is a bit absurd. The good thing is that we don’t really care. And we don’t really have to care. Because the border is open.
Two things happened on my walk in the woods this morning.
I often end up in the same spot to take photos, it’s such a beautiful place. But today I heard a strange sound that took me farther into the forest. Well, it was not a very strange sound really, I’ve heard it before. A bird pecking on wood. I slowly walked closer, birds are very shy. I did not expect it to wait for me. But I guess birds are like people, to busy to see what’s going on around you. I could look at it as long as I liked. Living in a city, I really missed this. Most wild animals require silence, I hardly see them here. But the bird meeting was very nice.
While walking home, I saw an other photographer. As we passed each other, we said hello. I don’t know this person at all. And people in this city do not say hello to strangers. But we did. Because we felt related, we where both photographers.
The birds ignorance still made me happy, and the strict rule DO NOT LOOK AT STRANGERS was broken. Things do not have to be like always. But you do not have to change.
You might think of knitted socks as a boring grandma gift, but is it really? I got these for Christmas. I do not know the maker very well, but they spent time on a gift for me anyway. And a couple of thick, warm socks is also a way of saying; keep warm and well. And I think they had fun making them too. I appreciate people that use time and energy on gifts. It makes them so much more worth.
On top of it, it’s a fantastic pattern! Looks like flowers or leaves! Makes me want to listen to an interesting podcast and knit myself. In other words, this gift isn’t only warm for my feet and heart, but also inspiring! Wonderful gift!
Today it’s sunny again. Looks cold. It’s strange how the weather affects your mood, as if sun light changes the chemistry in my body. Some says it does.
I’m not sure the planets position can affect me in any way, they are so far out in space. Even the moon. Well, it’s easier to believe the sunlight’s affecting my chemistry. I’m not saying it’s true, but it’s just that I’ve been working nights. It didn’t work out at all.
I’m really looking forward to the spring euphoria. I become the creepy one walking around in town smiling at nothing. As if some funny dude is talking with me in my head. But it’s still very nice. What’s not nice is realizing what a shitty life I’ve had all winter! Well, not Christmas or skiing and that. Shitty life in terms of unwilling to do anything, not really interesting movies and crisps. But I shouldn’t really complain. Most times I stuff myself on the couch underneath a blanket (a really thick one) with a cup of tea, a bad movie, chocolate and crisps without feeling bad. Winter gets a lot of shit, but the seasons gives us a reason to stay inside or have a barbecue or trekking or shopping or whatever you like.
I like the seasons. I have seasons where it’s natural to be outside, to stay in or what ever you like.
First posted in February 2016 on this blog in Swedish.