Arga, gamla och nödiga.

Vissa saker man upplever visar sig vara viktigare än de verkade från början. Som att man råkar flytta in bredvid en granne som visade sig bli ens bästa vän. Vissa tänker “vilken tur att jag just den flytten hände, annars hade jag aldrig mött dig!”. Andra tänker inte över det alls. Jag vill skriva om en gång jag tänkte mer och mer efterhand. Och hur bra de är att tänka efter vad som egentligen händer.

I går städade jag en stor affär. Det är mitt jobb i sommar. Jobbet tar över tre timmar, det är tungt, det är mycket att göra, så jag satte mig tungt ned i soffan när jag kom hem. Trött fick jag tid att tänka lite. Och jag sa till den andra som satt tungt i soffan efter en lång arbetsdag; “De hände nått konstigt på jobbet här om dan. Jag fick skäll av en gammal man”.

Två dagar innan hade jag och en kollega städat den enda kundtoaletten i hela affären. Den var jättestökig, pappershanddukarna hade trasslat till sig i mekaniken, vi försökte få ordning på den, torka handfat och toalett, nytt toapapper skulle på plats, allt det där man gör när man städar en toalett. I dörren dyker upp en person. Det händer tyvärr ibland, folk kommer och tittar på oss när vi jobbar. Vi jobbar vidare. För vem vill väl gå på en risig toalett? Personen kommer in i rummet med oss, och här blir det udda. Ser han dåligt? Efter ett tag börjar han högt prata om att han minsann har jobbat inom service i många år, så beter man sig inte, och vi borde gått ut så fort han dök upp och låta honom i fred på toaletten! Frågor om han vill vara på en smutsig toa och info om att det inte fanns fungerande papper hjälpte lite. Jag hade valet mellan storbråk och att gå ut och låta han gå på den smutsiga toaletten. När han var klar skulle han klaga på oss till affären vi jobbade i.

En 80 år gammal man som tycker det är okay att skälla på en som gör sitt jobb och försöker göra det bästa för honom som kund, skälla på städare, skälla på yngre kvinnor. Han har ju uppenbarligen fel. Världen har gått vidare. Vad gör man, det är bara att glömma. Alla har dåliga dagar på jobbet ibland. That’s life. Ta tag och gå vidare.

I går skulle jag städa samma affär igen. Skönt, jag hade varit där förut, visste vad jag skulle göra, det är bara att jobba på. Slippa tänka. Det var först i bilen på väg till nästa jobb jag kom på att jag hade ryckt till ibland. Ryckt ur min rutin. Men jag skulle jobba mer, och körde jag vidare.

Väl hemma på kvällen, när jag satt och pratade i soffan, kom jag på varför jag ryckte till. Jag ryckte till när eldre män med grått hår var i närheten. Det var här jag börja tänka, och inte bara ta vardagen för given. Hade denna gamla man två dagar innan gett mig ett trauma?

Rycken jag hade upplevt, gjorde att jag kom av mig en smula. Det gjorde att jag fick ett litet adrenalinrush. Det gjorde mig orolig. Det gjorde mig skrämd. Tänk att i tre timmar gå runt och vänta på att få skäll av äldre män i grått hår! Han hade avsevärt försämrad min arbetsmiljö. Han hade ändrat en trygg arbetsplats och ett mentalt lättsamt arbete till en otrygg arbetsplats och mentalt tungt arbete.

Men det är så lätt att ignorera. Det var ju bara några ryck! Men det är inte det. Inte om man två dagar senare kommer till samma arbetsplats, och det är helt förändrad. Jobbet blir mycket, mycket tyngre med oro i kroppen.

Nu är ju det är en enda händelse som hände mig. Det är inte raketforskning. Det kommer inte förändra mänsklighetens historia. Men tänk om det händer ofta med många. Tänk att få skäll för jämnan. De blir inte astronauter. De blir rädda. Då har man ändrat mänsklighetens historia. Tänk om alla de som är rädda, och lägger massor med energi på det, hellre skulle bli forskare och astronauter? För inte att tala om hur mycket lyckligare och lugnare de skulle bli även om de inte väljer bli astronauter?

Allt detta berättade jag i soffan i går kväll. Om jag inte hade börjat prata om vad som verkade vara en märklig händelse på jobbet, så hade jag heller inte insett hur djupt han påverkade min vardag. Hur illa det egentligen var. Och att det enda sättet att få det hela ur kroppen, var att berätta om det i soffan. För nu är det lugnt. Jag rycker inte mer.

Klagomålet hörde vi ingenting av sen. Jag vill tro personalen i affären reagerade som oss. I kassan satt två andra yngre kvinnor, och de känner också till detta. Vi har ju en tendens att träffa på arga gamla män oftare än andra.

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Cut in two.

When I walk in the biggest city I have ever lived in on a sunny day. On old streets with tiny shops selling odd and strange things. I walk past people sitting down laughing over a beer. The took their chair with them outside on the street drinking their coffee. I want to open a shop too, and sell my stuff. Live there and be a part of the old city, be a part of them and know them. Say hello, and know that whenever during the day or night, I will never be alone. Not really. Be a part of it.

When I sit in the house on the island. Where I can be a carpenter, staple wood against the wall. Make something if them. Plant my herbs till my fingernails hurt, and pick up the mail by the distant neighbor and say a quiet hello. Trek in the mountains and sail on the sea. Eat fish I my self cached.

In between these worlds is where I live.

They say choices is our worlds worst trouble. We should be happy, it could be so much worse of a trouble. But we can not handle it better just because it is nonessential problem. I believe them, it is our worst trouble. We are a generation very aware about what could be. And very aware that what could be, might be better.

It is hard to find rest.

Out of work

There is a certain charm about all these student bicycling in the snow. Outside the library the bikes was parked in 1 meter of snow! And why do they bother? It is very much heavier than walking or the bus!

But then I  think of the obvious ‘fuck you world!!’ that comes with it. To just hop on your bike and leave for school, just because you can, or just because you always do. The snow be damned! Like every morning there is a little bit a struggle in a way that we can handle. Studying involves a lot of sitting on your arse anyway, so what’s a little bit of snow?

I have been out of work for a while. First I tried to sleep as much ass possible, the days where so long. Then I started  working out. In the end I got depressed and sad, and played silly games on my phone all the time. The feeling of being utterly alone and meaningless is crushing to me. Routines is very important in this situation. Free time is relaxing time and fun! It is. If you have a job to go to later. You might think that you can just relax when you don’t have a job, but it’s really the other way around. Your head is constantly fighting these emotions, and on top of it you do not have any money. At all. Not even for food. This life is a real pain. Nothing in our world full of safety and luxury comes up to it. I am lucky. I do not starve. I have people that loves me and helps me. And I have a job now. I am lucky. Very lucky.

I got help with the money. I learned how to deal with the emotions. When life is good, you start to find ways to not have a hard time, no struggle. Watch good movies instead of bad. Eat good food instead of bad. Take a hot shower instead of cold. That’s because life is full of shit anyways. Until the day comes when nothing happens. Workless, meaningless, worthless. Lonely. Being out of a job means a lot of time to do what you want! But the good things stop shining, the bad things stop. Life is flat. So I had to find ways to make bumps. Like biking in the deep snow. That’s hard. That’s tiresome. That kind of shit makes you angry! It’s a tiresome bump in life that makes the happy bumps in life better.

 

The naked man in the picture

It wasn’t anything criminal, don’t worry. It was a picture a friend of mine showed me from his youth. The picture was taken just after he and a friend had been running in the snow naked. They where very happy smiling and covering their most intimate parts with their hands. It looked very cold.

My friend was only eight years younger. Not that much. But I could still see that he was young. Above all, he was thinner. Like a stick actually. And I said; SO SMALL!

And that’s it really. That is my story.

BUT it turns out, the feeling was a little awkward. Only a little, I did not really care. Until I came home, I had some time to think. At home I asked what felt out of sorts? I got the answer; he was thinking that I commented on his private parts.

I did not even see his private parts. They where behind his hands!! HOW could I comment on that??

This part about the human race. I do not understand. We seem to think ourselves past every obvious fact because it feels right. 1: I did obviously not see private parts in that picture. 2: The guy was thinner. So what am I commenting on? Guys? Really? That he was young. Of course. Nothing else was smaller in that picture compare to today.

I do not say that we should feel less. Or that we feel wrong. But it is still important to know the difference between fact and feeling. And YES fact takes some work. Feeling do not take that much work. It is just to open your mouth and tell everyone what you feel. But what if that affects people? Very much? That is a question every grown up needs to think about before opening your mouth according to me. That awkward feeling came from my friend that was so focused on his nakedness, that he heard what he did not want to hear.

People, we need to start thinking deep. Not only what ME, I feel at the moment. What will the consequences be? Will someone get hurt? Will the country and the world benefit from this from ten years on in the future? What am I really telling people with this?

People, you are smarter than this! Let me be clear. I come from a war family. My own grandpa fought 1940. We do not wish to see that again.  I will give an arm and a leg for that not to happen again.

With love from Scandinavia.

Inspiration

Inspiration. We can miss inspiration. We do not find it, or we never had it. It’s easy to forget in everyday life. A good idea that’s floating away from you. Or is it that commitment… What is the difference? Commitment to really do something and inspiration to really create something?

Committed people is a bit stressed out. Inspired people is not. Commitment is on the outside, but inspiration on the inside. Silent, thinking, searching and fleeting inspiration. Loud, active, fast and determinations commitment.

I like inspiration. Makes us think of things from a different point of view. We see small things where others see big. And the other way around. A tree has levees. Levees are small, and the tree big.

The funny thing is that inspiration is to a great extent creativity and new thinking. Just like commitment. Maybe they belong together anyway.

First published February 2016 in Swedish on anneliandresenblog.wordpress.com

What inspires anger.

Sometimes, you probably know about it. It’s VERY hard to bicycle in the snow. In my case; for an hour! There is a special kind of anger when you have to push the bike DOWNHILL! So unnecessary! I should be able to just hop on and roll down. But no. No wonder we get angry about things like that.

Sometimes, you probably know this one too. When you smash your toe into some kind of f… furniture! Hurts so much, SO angry!! There’s obviously a connection between pain and anger.

But anger does not only come from pain. Not that simple. It could be fear too. Fear makes us angry. Like by the border, looking at the “strangers”. Refusing them to come in. That’s probably fear AND pain making anger.

 

First published on anneliandresenblog.wordpress.com 2 february 2016 in norwegian.

Mummers Parade

I just learned about Mummers Parade. It just seemed like a Rio de Janeiro kind of thing. But I got curious. It turned out to be the oldest folk festival in USA! It has mixed traditions from Europe and Africa, but I raised my eyebrows at traditions from Sweden and Finland was represented here! We do not have a New Years parade…

But okay, I red some more. And yes, the tradition was to visit your neighbors on the 26 of December. And this grew into New Year, and grew into a parade. It’s been going on for at least 117 years, change is bound to happen.

The thing is, we still have this December traditions in Norway. In places I do not know of too, but the tradition lives where I grew up. The 25 December, first day, everyone had to be inside. No noise, no running around. Peace and quiet. The 26 December, second day, there was dinner with family and friends. On top of this we go “julbokk”. We dress up and knock on neighbors doors, and get candy. That’s for the kids. Grownups get alcohol, and the walk from house to house gets funnier and funnier. Children and grownups do not mix in the same groups, that been said.

I am not used to this. I can easily see how my childhood experiences relate to the Mummers Parade, but I am not used to the 100 years old dusty heritage of USA happened to me just two weeks ago. I am not used to thinking that I live in an old civilization. I think about Rome as an old civilization. But I guess that’s how it goes. The ancient Romans written words inspired Norse runs. And “julbokk” inspired Mummers Parade. Things change, but we always take something with us. We need change to adapt to new things in or life. We need to take something with us, or we become lost.

The indigenous peoples in the world was forced to change and could not take anything with them. They lost their way. The scars of that experience is what makes them fight so hard to keep what they have left of their traditions today.

Many nations in the world have strong voices that want to preserve the traditions, heritage and skin color of their area. They are just as lost as indigenous peoples was and are.

How would you feel if a complete stranger forced you to stop celebrating Christmas, and even made you afraid of it?

Indigenous peoples experienced to be forced to stop celebrating just as important celebrations as Christmas.

Strong voices of preservation wants to force people to stop celebrating important celebrations as Christmas.

It’s time indigenous peoples started to talk to them that want to preserve.