I’m currently seeing a therapist. It was a long time coming. This time, I actually plan on staying in the same city long enough for therapy to make a difference.
My therapist is a student. It does not bother me. Everyone has to learn at some point, and students are often hard working. But suddenly I red an article about psychology and therapy, and it described every little detail of my therapists behavior. Every word, question and movement was directly from writings. Nothing came from a real person, I had been talking to a book! It was a play! I felt betrayed and manipulated. But my therapist is a student that spent years reading books, and had just started talking to strangers in therapy. Having no experience, books and articles are all there is to fall back on. Not really a surprise. I felt stupid. Yet, why did I feel so betrayed?
I have a soft spot where people move in. People that have something about them, things I look up to and things I find important. This place is special, and I will do very much to make sure these people are well. I will fight for them to the end. This is not a problem. Most times. The thing is, I am not in control. Sometimes people move in that’s not invited. It took me some time to realize that the therapist had moved in. It angered me. People in my soft spot is important to me, and I grieve when they leave and goes on with their lives somewhere else. It hurts a lot. And a therapist will disappear. That is a part of the deal. It is not a friend.
People have always been important to me. I always go all in with everyone I meet. It has taken me years to learn how to have acquaintances, how to have people I do not really know very well around me. It is the way I am. But others might not be the way I am. Others might take a long time to get to know, and they are annoying or sometimes plain evil. I love people easily and quickly, and being met with anger and evil hurts. With time this got to me, and I have grown very suspicious. Today I expect people to be hurtful and mean. It has left me incredible lonely at times.
Then suddenly I meet a easygoing and kind therapist who just like that moves in. And protecting myself from the coming pain, I shut the therapist out. I speak only of what I find important and necessary. Yet, this therapist person still lingers. Because even if I am suspicious and shut down, no one ever leaves my soft spot. I still care too much. And it will still hurt when my time with therapy is over.
I do not look forward to it.